Journal Entry: Thu Dec 15, 2011, 11:48 PM
For the past couple nights I've been having trouble sleeping because... Well, because I get scared. If you look at my polls, you'll know it's because I think I'm going to die. It's not that I have life threatening symptoms or anything, I just start thinking I'm going to die and I can get it out of my head because what if maybe this time I really do die? You know?
So my mom had to go to bed and she told me to write my trail of thought down so here I am writing it down. This is pretty much what happens when I try to fall to sleep:
It's calm and dark and nice, but then it's too dark and I hate it and I need light, so I think of good things and good places like the apartment Devin and I will get in Boston someday. But then theres suddenly a man there not in the apartment, but just in my head, and he's too skinny and I can practically see his ribs and he has no teeth and long long hair and he smiles at me and then I get closer and he's the galaxy but I don't want the galaxy because I want light things I need good things. So I think of the sky but that makes me think of flying and that makes me dizzy and I don't want to fall so I think of the ground but then accidentally think of the ocean and rivers and drowning and water filling my lungs so I try thinking of good places on land but I can't so I sit up and do something to get rid of thoughts like slap myself or turn on a light or play with my bracelet or my slinky or something and then the whole thing repeats itself.
I hate it.
And I keep my mom awake and she keeps getting tired and sick and im sure it's like comforting a little kid with bad dreams. I don't want to do that to her. I feel so bad. I need to just sleep. I took Benedril because that's supposed to put me to sleep but so far it's not helping.
I tried sleeping with the light on, but thats worse. Things I know in my room become weird and mean and scary. It's so stupid. It's stupid. I'm frickin afraid of the dark, that's what this whole stupid thing is.
Ugh I hate this.
Sorry for ranting at you guys.
I guess I'll try to sleep again.
Listening to: Happy by NeverShoutNever
Watching: AAAAADVENTURE TIME